As you grow up and meet different people, you are likely to get different pieces of advice, some of which are just random and downright funny. While these pieces of advice may leave you in stitches, they may also prove to be useful at some point in your life. So, you shouldn’t just dismiss them. This article outlines the 56 funny random pieces of advice that are also real.
56 Funny Random Pieces of Advice
Funny Random Pieces of Advice from Dads
1. “If you do something bad, make sure there’s someone else around to blame.”
2. “Only boring people say they’re bored.”
3. “Only chickens accomplish something by sitting on their asses.”
4. “If any guy tries to hurt you, tell him I have a gun, a shovel, and an alibi.”
5. “Don’t follow what you think is the right way; make your way to what you think is happiness.”
6. “Don’t have sex after chopping jalapenos.”
7. “If the monster comes out of the closet tonight, say hi for me then go back to sleep.”
8. “Never break two laws at the same time because that’s how you get caught.”
9. “Never date a girl who pays her rent in one’s.”
10. “Don’t buy a bikini. Instead, get a size XXXL men’s shirt. That way, men won’t notice you.”
11. “Healthy people ask for what they need and want.”
12. “Don’t talk to anybody on the train, except for your mom. Well, maybe it would be best to ignore her too.”
13. “If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”
14. “Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.”
15. “Mount from both sides so the horse becomes used to change.”
16. “Treat your father-in-law like your own dad. You’ll miss him when he’s gone.”
17. “When in doubt, always ask your mother.”
Funny Random Pieces of Advice from Moms
18. “If you don’t know where your kids are in the house, turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.”
19. “If your kids suddenly start getting along and are nice to each other for no reason, be very suspicious.”
20. “Take your kids to a pumpkin patch and let them pick out any pumpkin. Then, make them carry it to the car. They’ll never want to go back there again.”
21. “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.”
22. “There will come a day when you get pooped on. Just know that it is going to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
23. “Pro parenting tip: only have spaghetti on bath nights.”
24. “Avoid travel teams unless your child is a once-in-a-generation talent… and your child is not a once-in-a-generation talent.”
25. “The first time your toddler sneezes in your face, even if it is super funny when it happens, do not laugh. You will be sentencing yourself to years of purposeful in-your-face sneezes.”
26. “Never take a toddler’s word for it.”
27. “When your kids start crying, start bawling bigger and better. Soon, they will stop crying & turn their concerns to your welfare.”
28. “Is your sink full of dirty utensils? Put some clean dishes in the draining rack! Now it looks like you’re working on it.”
Funny Random Pieces of Advice from Peers
29. “Fed up with boiling water each evening? Heat 340 fl oz (10 liters), and freeze for future use.”
30. “If your tires are too old, refresh them with a marker.”
31. “No flashlight on your phone? Take a photo of the sun, and use it in the dark.”
32. “No ice for drinks? Use frozen vegetables.”
33. “If you’re too lazy to wash your cup, use a pepper.”
34. “There is never enough time in the morning. Try to combine brushing your teeth with your breakfast.”
35. “If you leave your wipers up, an officer won’t be able to leave a fine. Your money will be saved.”
36. “It’s very expensive to eat 3 times a day. Wake up later, miss breakfast, and save money.”
37. “Having a bad day? No worries! Wear sunglasses. Now you’re having a bad evening.”
38. “Eggs are good for your health. But sometimes we get fed up with them. Add some butter, chocolate, sugar, flour, and then bake. Now it’s not so boring to eat them every day.”
39. “If you can’t afford virtual reality headsets, you can close your eyes and imagine everything you want.”
40. “A 3-colored manicure isn’t so difficult if you have toothpaste.”
41. “No hair? Draw it! Or get a tattoo.”
42. “If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot other people in the eyes.”
43. “Never do a whole job when a half job will do.”
44. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.”
45. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
46. “If it looks stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.”
47. “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.”
48. “If you stared at something you dropped on the ground, eventually someone will pick it up for you.”
49. “If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.”
50. “Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he will believe you, but tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.”
51. “I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.”
52. “If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise the head and say in Jesus name, Amen.”
53. “Put a teabag in your whiskey, so you can day drink without being judged.”
54. “You’ll be surprised how quickly employees at Lowe’s assist you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try and start a chainsaw.”
55. “Carry a fork with you. if someone tries to rob you, pull it out of your pocket and say, ‘thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to have’ and charge at them with the fork.”
56. “If you sleep until lunchtime, you can save your breakfast money.”
